What is narcissism?

True narcissism is not unhealthy. It is the part of us that smiles for the camera and enjoys both the spotlight and being around attractive people, and most would agree that these are positive things. The word narcissism in recent history has however seen it’s meaning change to describe someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is a very different story. These days when someone is described as a narcissist (or we hear talk of narcissism) it usually describes someone who displays the symptoms of this personality disorder which include verbal abuse, aggression and defensiveness and a tendency to manipulate and rely on (or ‘use’) others while being charming or ‘playing for the crowd’.

A different person when the crowd has gone home

Individuals with symptoms of NPD are first and foremost two-faced; the subject being charming and competitive in public while critical, rude, arrogant, sarcastic and aggressive in private; usually to the people who are closest to them and who give them the most love and care.

This person will pretend to operate from high standards, but in reality will be low in perfectionism, resulting in them being flakey, hypocritical or even an outright phoney or fake. They will not follow through on promises and will spend most of their energy and time seeking people who will adore them or who they can vent their aggression on, either directly by provoking fights or else by gossiping nastily about people behind their back.

Seduce and abandon

Whether sex is consummated or not there is often a pattern of seducing and abandoning lovers, friends or people they can attract as their ‘fans’. Their lack of empathy and self interest, mixed with a particular cunning charm and ability to manipulate others makes them highly abusive to live with. They will think nothing of exploiting their partner financially, sexually or otherwise, while blaming their own weaknesses and shortcomings on this very same person; while at the same time hindering any attempt their partner may make to regain their sense of strength or self worth and get back on their feet or get on with their own life or get away. Narcissism (or more accurately NPD) is a disorder and not a disease. There is no blood test for narcissism and three different professionals may diagnose the same person in three different ways. Narcissism describes a pattern of behaviour in an individual.

Don’t demonise

Most importantly a Narcissist is a human being acting in a particular way and should not be treated like a monster or worse as an ‘it’ rather than a person. As unfair and damaging as a relationship with this type of person can be, we believe that it is more useful (and healthy) to use straightforward descriptive words about the bad behaviour, rather than relying on this term generally to describe a person. It would be more correct and useful in most situations for instance to say “My partner lied to me” rather than “my N lied to me”.

As common as the suggestion is that you must run or “get away” from this type of person, we believe it important for family members of someone with this disorder to learn to stand up for themselves and hold their ground. This response can be highly beneficial for the Narcissistic person as well but should not be tried without the help of a solid support network and we have a lot of online material available to help with this.

A selfish ‘child’

A narcissist is someone who never grew out of being a selfish child. They find it hard to share and even harder to share the limelight, always wanting to be the focus of attention. They invent stories to get what they want and pretend they are more important than they are and blame others for their own wrong doings. Narcissism flourishes in those who are charming and attractive, because this means they will get away with this behaviour more easily. They may appear humble and very likable in public and may choose a less socially adept partner as their ‘foil’. Narcissists will usually get angry or sulk (and feel very embarrassed) if they are seen to be wrong or have made a mistake, and like a child they might throw tantrums or rages and ‘rewrite history’ instead of admitting their misdeeds.

The double life

Narcissists are always looking for attention. They are flirts and have constant crushes and real or fantasy affairs, they are very susceptible to becoming addicted to pornography and can be cyber-paths who have online affairs with numerous people who they manipulate and lie to. Narcissists often lead a ‘double life’.

When narcissism has a hold of someone, they will feel VERY lonely and desperate for the affection of a ‘perfect’ person who will be sympathetic and adore them. Sadly this ‘perfect’ person is actually an illusion in the narcissist’s mind, a tormenting fantasy that will make their life miserable and make them very hard on the people who they live with.

Steve and I beat the odds and overcame these problems in our marriage and hope that we can help you do the same. We host an online radio show called “The Love Safety Net” on Global talk radio with thousands of subscribers worldwide and have recieved countless testimonials from our readers. The advice that we offer in dealing with this disorder will also help anyone wanting to learn better life and relationship skills. Immaturity is rife in our community and is at the heart of this issue. We offer valuable and solid steps to help individuals and families to grow up and become more confident, happier and more secure.

1. Does Your Partner or Another Family Member Have Narcissistic Tendencies?
   

2. Narcissism Cured
   

3. 
   

Do You yourself Suffer From Narcissism?

Sex and Narcissism

Do You Attract Narcissistic People Into Your Life?

Narcissism and Codependence

Or Visit Our Most recent Blog;

the Narcissism Daily Mirror

Beyond Narcissism